Miserable at Best
by bemylullaby
Summary: When you care about someone do you tell them & suffer the consequences or keep it bottled up inside until there's nothing you can do about it? What about if it's your senior year & the person you care about is the "it" girl & you're just a nobody?


**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

**So, I know I'm horribly late posting this..but..wrote a bit for miztrezboo's birthday project back in November (I said I was late posting it). Check out the other author's who contributed along with the round robin at .net/~cbp2009**

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So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight  
I know he's there  
You're probably hanging out and making eyes  
While across the room he stares  
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor  
And ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes  
Because these words were never easier for me to say  
Or her to second guess  
But I guess  
That I can live without you but  
Without you I'll be miserable at best

- "Miserable at Best" by Mayday Parade

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Senior Prom.

It's the one night that most seniors look forward to, spend the entire year planning and dreaming about. It's a night full of cheap decorations, twinkly lights, expensive clothing, corsages and boutonnieres, followed by an all around general fuck fest.

I should be thrilled, ecstatic that it's my senior year and prom night, but I'm not. I'm here with the hopes that a crushed dream will come true. I put on the rented tux, the fake smile, ditched my signature black rimmed glasses for contacts (because she told me once I looked better without them), kept my hair in the dizzy mess she liked so much, all in the hope she'd see I was trying to be better, to maybe be the person she needs.

But who was I kidding?

I was Edward Cullen. I'm in the running for Valedictorian, a member of the debate club, a national honor society member, hell I was even in the chess club. I have a deep appreciation for comic books. And until this night I'd never attended a school function...willingly.

How was I supposed to change myself to be the person Rosalie Hale needed…wanted…me to be? How was I supposed to live up to the standards of our high school's golden girl? Rosalie was the picture perfect high school sweetheart. She was captain of the cheer squad, a member of the glee club, a dedicated member of student government. Every member of the staff loved her and she was quite possibly one of the most popular girls in school, why would she want someone like me...a geek?

Maybe because on several occasions she's told me how I made her feel alive, feel like I didn't judge her for who she was, what she liked. Maybe because on several occasions, I'd made her feel the best she's ever felt in her entire life. Or maybe it was just the plain and simple fact that my touch made her see God, but we won't get into that.

You might be wondering how any of this is possible. Our high school was the cliché high school that you saw in every teenage movie where cliques ruled the school. The popular kids never hung out with the geeks and losers that I associated myself with. How would it be that someone of my social level was able to make Rosalie Hale, quite possibly, fall in love with me? I'm a smart kid and it happened to be that Rosalie managed to pile too much on her plate this year and had fallen behind in her classes. Naturally all of her teachers gave her the extra credit, the extensions, but also directed her my way. They told her to seek my help, to have me tutor her and get her grades back up.

I'll never forget the day Rosalie Hale walked into my life. It was a few weeks before mid terms, before winter break and with the current snow cover outside, I'd taken to the library as shelter for lunch. Holed up in the back of the library, amidst textbooks and papers, I was out of harms way. She walked right up to me, swaying her hips, batting her eyelashes.

_"Edward Cullen?" she asked, resting her hands on her hips. _

_"Yeah?" I replied, looking up from the book I was reading. _

_"I'm Rosalie Hale."_

_"I know who you are." I looked back down at the book in my hands, unable to focus on the black print staring up at me._

_"Of course you do," she giggled. "I have a favor to ask of you. You can say no, although I really hope you don't, because I can't afford to have you say no. If you say no everything will just go down the drain and I can't have that happen. I just, I don't know how I let it happen and-" _

_"Just tell me what you need, Rosalie," I interrupted her, shutting the book closed and looking at her._

_  
Our eyes made contact and I felt a shiver run down my spine. _

_"Can you tutor me? Help me study for midterms." She bit her lip, anxiously waiting for my response. _

_I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Rosalie Hale was looking for help, my help. She never talked to me, not once. She lived across the street from me and never acknowledged my presence and she wants my help? I should tell her no, tell her to fuck off, but what do I do? Fall to my knees and take the chance to spend time with Rosalie Hale. _

_"Sure." _

_"Sure? Really, Edward, you'd do that for me?" She sounded surprised, like I'd actually tell her no. _

_"Didn't I say I would?" _

_"Well, yeah, but I didn't think it would be that easy persuading you." _

_"Eh, whatever..." I shrugged my shoulders._

_"Alright, well, um, I guess I could come over after glee practice. Where do you live?" _

_I laughed, "Rosalie, I live across the street from you. I've lived there for six years now." _

_"You live across the street from me?!" _

_"Yeah, I do, listen, just..." I shook my head, immediately regretting the decision I'd just made. "…come over after practice or whatever and we'll go from there." _

_"Okay!" She clapped her hands together and smiled. "Thank you so much, Edward. See you later." She turned on her heels, waving to me as she walked away. _

Ever since that day I was fucked. She came over that afternoon and we spent a total of forty-five minutes actually studying for her midterms. Her fingers trailed across the bindings of my comic books on the shelf and the rest was history. The other four hours were spent debating over who was better, DC or Marvel comics. Who would've thought Rosalie Hale would be into comic books?

From that day forth, Rosalie came over every afternoon after whatever practice she had and we would spend the two hours studying. I helped her make flash cards, make study guides, whatever would help her remember the information we did it. Hell I even made up a stupid song about the branches of the government. Most evenings she stayed for dinner and we would spend a couple more hours just hanging out. I found out that Rosalie and I had a lot more in common than one would think.

We both shared a love for old Charlie Chaplin movies and for the cheesy cliché 80's high school flicks. Rosalie surprised me one afternoon when she brought her collection of old Beatles' vinyls, which of course opened a whole new door of opportunity. We then started to spend a few afternoons a week at the record store downtown, listening to music.

Truth be told, every hour I spent with her, I fell for her more and more. Every day she would open up a little more to me, show me things that she'd kept bottled inside away from her friends. One afternoon she admitted to me that when she was with me, she didn't have to put on the fake facade of Rosalie Hale. She felt like with me she could be who she really was the simple, down home girl with an appreciation for good movies and music, who would care less about the material things.

It was pathetic really. I let myself believe that she was different, that she might be able to look past the high school cliques and actually be my friend, or more. Yet, here I was, standing in the corner of the ballroom, affixed to the wall like a total geek, drowning my sorrows in the spiked punch. I'd spent the past five months falling in love with someone who didn't exist in the world outside of our bedrooms. That's right I said it...love.

But that wasn't important. What was important was the fact that I was the love sick loser, drooling over the girl who let go, even though she didn't want to.

I stood in my corner, drinking cups of that punch, feeling a bit more than just a buzz, watching her. Watching Rosalie dance with her friends, clutching her crown as she bounced around, because of course she was our prom queen. Occasionally she would catch my eye, smile and shake her tits my way.

I watched like a fly on the wall as she grinded against her beefy prom date, Emmett Cullen, prom king, captain of the football team, all-star pitcher, the person she was _supposed_to be with.

But don't think I didn't notice that fact that as she shaked and shimmed her ass against his crotch, as his hands wandered a bit more than needed over her body, my body, that her eyes were focused on me. When he bent down to kiss her neck, she was staring at me, not paying one drop of attention to him.

The way he made moves on her body, albeit couldn't make her feel the way I could. It was more than likely he didn't take the time to worship her body, the way it deserved. He was just like every other male member of the student body, horny and looking for a hole to stick it in. I should be the one she's dancing with, who's kissing her neck.

It was Valentine's Day when our pseudo tutor-friend relationship changed for the better. She turned down every guy that asked her out, to be with me. I'd asked her out two weeks prior to the day and was completely surprised by her answer.

_"So, Rosie I was thinking..." I mumbled, wiping the palms of my hands on my jeans. I was nervous beyond belief and my hands were starting to get clammy, my heart was beating a million beats a minute. _

_"What's that, Edward?" She looked up from me, setting her notebook down next to her. We were in her room working on homework, before catching the Hitchcock marathon on the Sc-fi channel. _

_"They're playing__Casablanca__down at the theater on Valentine's Day. I was thinking that maybe, if you wanted to, if it's not too weird or anything, I know how much you like the movie, maybe we could, if you wanted to, I mean." I was making a complete ass of myself. The simple speech I'd practiced for hours in front of the mirror was thrown out the window the moment she looked up at me. _

_She smiled that cute little smile, her blue eyes twinkled and a soft giggled fell form her lips. "I'd love to, Edward. Maybe__afterward__, we would go to that restaurant down by the port that you like so much."_

_"Wait, what?" I shook my head. _

_"Oh, Edward..." she laughed, standing up. She walked over to her bed and sat down next to me. "Edward, be my Valentine?"_

_"Aren't I supposed to be asking you that?" _

_"Well you were a blubbering mess, so I took matters into my own hands. So, what'd you say?" I felt her hand brush against my skin as she laced her fingers in between mine._

_"Rosie, be my Valentine and I'll be yours." _

_"It's a deal; I'll be your Valentine. You should know that I hate roses and chocolate covered-" _

_"Strawberries are your favorite." I cut her off. "You also prefer lilies over roses. I'm stupid and I listen." _

_She smiled and looked me in the eye. "Of course you do. It's who you are..." _

_As I stared her in the eyes there was only one thing I wanted...to kiss her. Her tongue darted across the bottom of her lip, teasing me. My mind was screaming at me to kiss her, my heart was afraid the __kiss would ruin everything._

_"Rosalie..." I whispered, bringing my hand up to her cheek, allowing my thumb to graze against the skin at her jaw. _

_"Edward..." she begged. I could see it in her eyes; she wanted this just as much as I did. _

_I leaned it, closing the gap between us and kissed her. In that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to stay like this for as long as I could._

I picked her up at six that night and as we drove into town her hand was laced in mine across the center console. She fell comfortably into my body when I put my arm around her during the movie. She laughed and smiled as we walked to the restaurant bundled closed together to keep warm.

It was by far the best night of my life, that was until I dropped her off and as I was about to kiss her goodnight she pulled me into the house and up to her room. We spent the rest of the night, exploring every inch of each other's bodies. It was the start of ourtwisted secret love affair. From that night on she used every excuse she could to get me alone. On more than one occasion I caught her staring at me in the hall or grabbing my ass as she passed by.

The DJ put on a slow song, and it killed me to watch while Emmett started to put the moves on Rosalie. It was public knowledge how Emmett felt about Rosalie, I wasn't stupid and I knew exactly what was running through his mind. He pulled her to his body and it took everything I had to stay calm. I wanted to rip his hands off when they ghosted across her bare back or when he brushed hair out of her face. I lost it the moment he leaned in, resting his forehead against hers and pressed his lips to hers. Those were my lips and now every time I looked at her, at them, all I would see would be him. If I were to ever kiss her again, I would taste him on her lips. It would be a memory that would haunt my dreams forever.

I tipped back the last of the punch in my cup, crushing it in my hands before tossing it in the trash. I needed to get out of here, before I did something I knew I would regret later. As I weaved through the crowded dance floor, I paused for one last moment to look at her. Rosalie was beautiful tonight, her hair pulled back, the simplest of make up swept across her face, the deep blue dress that made her eyes pop. There was a small smile on her face, nothing compared to the smile she always had for me. Emmett would never give her what I can give her.

I took a deep breath and pushed past the last few couples swaying together, reaching the one thing standing between me and the door...Emmett and Rosalie. Brushing past them, my hand barely skimmed across her back, enough to catch her attention. As I walked away, resisting the urge to look back, I could feel her attention on me. She noticed I'd left my post in the corner, she felt the touch, she knew how I felt.

With a heavy push, the door opened and closed, leaving my heart behind.

~*~

No one tells you what it's like when your heart gets broken. No one tells you that sleep will be lost, that in the long run you're left feeling like crap. It's been three days and I feel like a fucking girl, because I haven't slept and all I can do is think about Rosalie. Think about Emmett's hands all over her body, my body. Think about how "perfect" Emmett is for "perfect" Rosalie. Her words echoed in my head like a broken record.

"_Edward, this isn't going to work anymore. It's not you, it's not me, it's the situation. I told you from the beginning I wasn't going to be able to give you all of me. You knew that, I knew that, yet I still let myself fall for you."_

Sunday, she tried to call, but I wouldn't answer. When she came to my door, I told my mom to tell her I wasn't feeling well.

First thing Monday morning at school she tried to talk to me, called my name as I walked away from her in the hall. It killed me to ignore her; it killed me to walk away from her wanting arms. She was the one that broke whatever fucked up relationship, or lack there of, off. She told me it wouldn't work, when I was willing to figure shit out. I wasn't going to live halfway with her; I had to be stronger than that. It was all or nothing.

By Thursday, she'd given up all hope of trying to smooth things out with me. The phone calls ceased, the random notes stuffed in my locker were gone. Rosalie Hale gave up...defeated. It was also the day she moved on. At lunch time the buzz about the cafeteria was how Emmett might've actually roped Rosalie Hale in.

Now it's Friday and like I mentioned before, Rosalie might be out of my life, but she's all I can think about. Sitting by the window of my room, I feel like a creepy stalker watching as Emmett drops her off after school. He walks her to the door like a good gentleman would. It makes me laugh at all the stops he's trying to pull to get in her pants...or maybe it's just my sorry excuse trying to cover up the jealously boiling in my bones.

It should be me dropping Rosalie off at home after school, me holding her hand through the hallways at school. Me.

As Rosalie fumbled with the keys, Emmett leaned in for a kiss, but instead of getting Rosalie's soft lips he got the cold skin of her cheek. At the last minute her eyes caught mine and turned away. The scene unfolded in front of me like an old silent movie. Emmett of course tried to get another kiss, but Rosalie turned away. Maybe there was hope. As Emmett pulled away livid at the fact Rosalie shot him down, I noticed the look on my Rosalie's face.

She looked sad, depressed...lonely. Bringing her hand up to her cheek she wiped what I'm guessing to be a tear from her eye. The walls were crashing around me. I needed to stay strong.

Instead of turning to walk into her house, Rosalie quickly shut her door and ran across the street. Not seconds later the doorbell echoed through the empty walls of my house.

What to do?

She betrayed me. She pushed me away without a chance.

But I cared. Cared she was hurting on the inside because of me.

I made my way down the stairs just as another round of the ringing of doorbell chimed through the house. When I opened the door I was hit by something I wasn't prepared for. Rosalie was crying, tears stained her cheeks, when her eyes looked up at mine and all I could see was regret.

Suddenly her arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, squeezing me like she hadn't seen me in years. The salty tears were soaking through the cotton of my shirt, but I didn't care. Rosalie was here and for a moment I could be happy. I ran my fingers through her soft blond locks, missing all the times she would lie naked in my bed, hair splayed against my chest as I would comb through them. They were the moments haunting me.

I didn't know how long we stood there like that, silent and wrapped in each other, all I know is that we did. It was a moment in which we both tried to hold on to any fiber we could of our existence.

"Rosie..." I whispered, trying to pull away from her grasp. I could feel her head shaking left and right, the faint sounds of a meek 'no' against my chest. "Baby, let go."

"I can't, I thought I could, but I can't," she mumbled as she started to cry again.

I reached forward and shut the door.

"Rosie, look at me." Somehow I managed to get my hand below her chin and pushed it up so I was looking into her tear filled eyes. "Take a deep breath."

Rosalie took a deep breath and sighed, "I'm sorry. I was stupid and idiotic and I wanted to please everyone, make everyone happy, no matter the consequences. Edward, I can't do it. I need you, all of you. I'm tired of the lies, the deception. I can't do it anymore. I'm not who they think I am. I'm the real me when I'm with you. You make me feel like a person versus somebody's puppet."

"Am I supposed to forget it all? Forget everything you told me, the lies you fed me to get out of whatever we had. Rosalie, it killed me to see you with Emmett at Prom. To watch him touch you and kiss you, knowing that it's all I wanted. Last week I gave up on anything that had to do with you. I told myself that I had to be strong and move on. I came to terms with the fact that I could live without you in my life, although I would be miserable and miss the fuck out of you, but I could do it. You think that by coming over here with tears in your eyes, begging for me to take you back it makes it all okay again? Rosalie, I don't, I don't know if I can do it." The words ran out of my mouth before I could fully comprehend everything I was saying.

Rosalie stepped away from me, more tears falling from her eyes. "You don't mean that."

"How do you know that?" I looked down at her, saw the hurt in her eyes. The guilt sunk in and I wanted to take it all back, but I couldn't. It was for the best right?

"Edward..." she whispered. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she didn't even care to wipe it away. "Don't tell me you didn't mean it. Tell me everything you just said was a lie. You can't sit there and pretend everything that happened between us was nothing. All those memories we shared meant something to me and I know they meant something to you. They had to..."

Rosalie reached her hand out, placing it on my arm. The moment her hand touched me, I could feel the electricity that flowed between us. It was the same feeling I got every time she touched me.

"Rosalie, you just don't get it do you?"

"Get what, Edward?"

"Rosie..." I took a deep breath and picked up the hand on my arm. Looking deep into her eyes, I cradled her face in my hands. "Do you realize how I feel about you? The past five months have been by far some of the best months of my life. I haven't laughed or smiled so much in my life. You've opened my eyes to so much; you've showed me what it was like to live, only to take it away. I'm not gonna do it anymore, if you're not gonna give me all of you, I don't want it."

"I'm willing to give you all of me, Edward. It's yours, I'm yours," she pleaded, placing her hands over mine.

"And who's to say you're not gonna leave? Why should I believe you?"

"What do you want me to do, Edward? Whatever it is, I'll do it," she pleaded her blue eyes saying so much more.

"Prove it; prove to me that you're willing to make the sacrifices I've had to make in the past five months." I leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead and I heard her take a deep breath. Her shoulders relaxed almost as if this simple gesture reassured all of her questions.

"I will..." she whispered.

~*~

The next morning Rosalie did just that.

Promptly at seven-fifteen she showed up at my door, ready for school. When I opened the door, surprised to see her she just smiled and replied with a simple, "Can I get a lift to school?"

We pulled up to the school and she waited for me to open her door. With a sense of pride, I held my hand out for Rosalie. For once the underdog got the girl instead of Prince Charming on his white horse. She continued to surprise me when her fingers weaved their way through mine, to hold my hand. The hall was buzzing with people as we walked down hand in hand, the whispers all about Rosalie Hale and that geeky kid in debate.

Rosalie just held her head high, carrying a bright smile on her face. This was her gesture, her sacrifice.

In the quad at lunch when she pulled on my collar and kissed me with all she had, all eyes were on us. Her friends were glaring, out of the corner of my eye I could see Emmett boiling with jealousy.

"Is that a big enough gesture, Edward?" Rosalie smirked as she pulled away from me.

I smiled, leaning down to rest my forehead against hers. "It'll do for now…."

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**A huge thanks to Nostalgicmiss for cheering me on and being fuckawesome as usual...to Bamababe for taking the bait and beta-ing this for me, you're the best darlin'!**


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